Grief’s Jealousy

May 12, 2020

I see you with your mother. I’m jealous. 

I don’t want to be, but I am. 

Pieces of my heart are so incredibly happy for you, but other pieces ache with jealousy. 

My mother is gone. She’s dead. Buried at a cemetery, and gone forever from my future. Sounds harsh because it is. 

I see you making memories, taking pictures, and enjoying life together. I’m not proud to admit, but I’m jealous. I’m envious of your ability to make new memories with your mother. I wish I could do the same. 

I see you appreciating the help, advice, and expertise of your mother. I have admiration for you and the fact that you have that opportunity. I have jealousy that I no longer do. 

Grief is loss and pain.

Grief is love.

Grief is also jealousy. 

It’s an ache for the mother I lost, and the moments stolen from me. It’s jealousy in all the motherly moments around me. The ones I used to have. The ones I used to be blessed with too. It’s being filled with both joy and jealousy watching you with your mother, happy and loved. 

I miss that relationship.

I miss that care. 

I miss that love and influence.

I miss my mother, which is why I find myself jealous of yours and the adventures you still share. 

I’m not proud to have a heart that includes jealousy, but I do. 

I don’t want to steal your sunshine or rob you of your blessings. I simply want them too.

Grief’s jealousy is noticing mothers everywhere I go. It’s noticing the absence and emptiness that I hold in my heart and mind. This kind of jealousy is really just missing what I once had, and desperately wanting it back. 

Grief’s jealousy is found in the moments that bring me to my knees, crying, and wishing I resembled you. The you that has a mother. 

I’m ashamed to house jealousy. But I do. 

I acknowledge it, even though it’s humiliating and embarrassing, because this type of jealousy is unique. It’s built on love and created by counting blessings. One you still have that I lost years ago.

Grief is loss, and pain, and emptiness, and sometimes, jealousy.

I see you with your mother. I watch with tears. 

You are blessed, friend. You have your mother.

I wish I had my mother too.

xox, Chels

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4 comments so far.

4 responses to “Grief’s Jealousy”

  1. Kristi Arcq says:

    So very true! I lost my mom December 16, 2017. 😔

    • chelseaohlemiller says:

      I lost my mother July 2017. 2017 was a year that changed me. Thanks for reading my work! I appreciate you being here. <3, Chels

  2. Kim says:

    I lost my mom August 17,2019. I called her everyday, I could bitch about whatever and she calmed me. Yes I am jealous of those who still get to celebrate and take pictures with their mothers.

    • chelseaohlemiller says:

      Kim, I understand. I wrote this piece because of the jealousy I’ve felt that no one ever talks about. They never talk about grief’s jealousy…and it’s real, and it hurts. Thanks for reading my work!!! I appreciate you. <3, Chels

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Chelsea Ohlemiller

Chelsea Ohlemiller

A thirty-something wife, mother and educator who has Indiana roots and a passionate spirit. Chelsea is a sappy romantic, coffee junkie, book collector, and person who wears her heart on her sleeve. She’s sarcastic, full of jokes, full of tears, and enjoys writing most when life gets messy or complicated. In 2017, Chelsea's mother passed away. Through her grief journey, she decided to take her mother’s advice and share her writing with the world. One day she gained the courage to honor her mother's wishes and write. It turned out to be one of the best decisions she's ever made.

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