Pregnant & Needing Her

February 5, 2020

You’re going to need her, and she’s gone. Who am I kidding, you already need her, each and every day. But this pregnancy and this beautiful blessing make you miss her and need her more than you have before. I can see it and feel it. 

You’re going to need her, and she’ll be there. It will just be different than you envisioned. You won’t see her standing there in that delivery room, for her presence can only be felt nowadays. But trust me when I say, she will be there. 

You’re going to need her, and you’ll ache for her in new ways now that you bloom into motherhood. You’ll understand her love more definitively than ever before. You will understand her fears, her frustrations, and her unwavering devotion. You will understand all of the things that made her the most incredible mother of all. 

And when that baby comes, you’ll become just like her. Even more than you are now, which is hard to comprehend. You’ll gain the pieces of motherhood that you learned from her, growing up in her care and influence.

You’ll need her, and you’ll be heartbroken that she isn’t physically here, but you’ll realize there are pieces of her scattered everywhere. Pieces that will guide you, inspire you, and shape you into the mother you’re already becoming. A mother she’d be so proud of. A mother she is proud of. 

You’re going to need her, just like I do. But there is beauty in what she left behind. You and I, sisters. Pieces of her. Duplicates of her heart and her soul. She prepared us for this moment by creating a bond welded by her love, her influence, and her life. 

I am here, baby sis. To help you, to guide you, to support you, and to remind you that although you will be reaching a new milestone without mom, she’s already met your sweet boy and had a part of his existence. She’ll be guiding him and watching over him until the moment you she passes him off to you. And the second you set eyes on your precious boy, you’ll feel her presence, and you’ll suddenly understand the capacity of a mother’s heart. 

Motherhood will show you the depths of her legacy and the depths of her devotion. And most importantly, how none of it can be erased by absence. 

I know you need her, that will never change. But sis, she’s working through me. Giving me insight and words to pave this journey. The journey where you become a mother, I become an aunt…and up in heaven, mom becomes a grandmother again. 

xox, Chels

A onesie with my mother’s handwriting. “Love ya tons. xox”
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Chelsea Ohlemiller

Chelsea Ohlemiller

A thirty-something wife, mother and educator who has Indiana roots and a passionate spirit. Chelsea is a sappy romantic, coffee junkie, book collector, and person who wears her heart on her sleeve. She’s sarcastic, full of jokes, full of tears, and enjoys writing most when life gets messy or complicated. In 2017, Chelsea's mother passed away. Through her grief journey, she decided to take her mother’s advice and share her writing with the world. One day she gained the courage to honor her mother's wishes and write. It turned out to be one of the best decisions she's ever made.

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