Back Seat Tears

December 20, 2019

There she sat, in the back seat sobbing. I could tell the kind of tears that flowed down her cheek.

It was grief.

She missed her. My mother. Her grandmother.

She’s only 8, but sometimes it hits her unexpectedly, just like me.  She’s only 8, but she grieves too. Sure she is resilient, as they say kids are, but she hurts too. She tucks away the pain sometimes, just like the rest of us.

And sometimes, like tonight, it flows out of her, unable to be stopped or swallowed. 

I hate this part of losing my mother. Maybe more than anything else.

Seeing her ache and experience her first true heartbreak is crushing as a parent. I want to soak up the tears. I want to erase the pain. I want to steal her sorrows and her hurt.

I wish she didn’t have to experience a loss as deep as this one, especially as a child. She deserves to have all of her loved ones here guiding her and filling her life with memories and love.

She shouldn’t have to explain the she has a grandmother in heaven. She shouldn’t have to hurt, but she does. We all do. 

Those tears that are falling in my back seat are little drops of love. Tiny little drops of love that fall from her eyes more often than my heart is prepared for. 

She is only a child, but she grieves too. And as much as I want to erase her pain, I can’t. So I won’t try to make her smile. I won’t try to change the subject. I won’t try to avoid the pain, even though I desperately want to. 

Instead, I will tell her I love her. I will sit and hold her while she aches. I will listen to her. I will remind her it’s ok to cry, and hurt, and be sad. 

And when she’s ready, I’ll let her decide what to do next. You can’t erase grief, but you can surround it with love. So for now, that’s what I’ll do. 

xox, Chels 

1 comments so far.

One response to “Back Seat Tears”

  1. Suz says:

    Thank you for “The Day She Died”, it was exactly the way I would have said it and felt. I still cant always talk about losing my mom a little over 3yrs ago because I just crumble. You put it into perfect words and thoughts.

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A wife, mother and educator who has Indiana roots and a passionate spirit. Chelsea is a sappy romantic, coffee junkie, book collector, and person who wears her heart on her sleeve. She’s sarcastic, full of jokes, full of tears, and enjoys writing most when life gets messy or complicated. In 2017, Chelsea's mother passed away. Through her grief journey, she decided to take her mother’s advice and share her writing with the world. One day she gained the courage to honor her mother's wishes and write. It turned out to be one of the best decisions she's ever made.

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