Dear Mom,
I wish you could be here to see all that we’re becoming and how our family continues to grow. You’re a grandmother to five– three rambunctious little boys and two sweet and sassy little ladies. You always wanted a house full of grandchildren and now that you would, you aren’t here. That fact, that harsh reality, it breaks me some days. It sometimes feels like sandpaper on my heart. My hope, our hope, is that you can see it from eternity and that you have the best view possible.
I miss you, Mom. I wake up each day and I miss you. It’s just as strong as the first day I had to wake up knowing you wouldn’t. The ache of missing you doesn’t dissipate like everyone promised it would, it simply shifts in weight and power. It’s always there, this constant missing piece, this constant hole in every piece of my future, this shadow in place of the spot you always occupied– now empty and dark.
Your death changed me– it changed everything. I’m not the same woman I once was– I’ve been shattered by grief and eventually rebuilt by faith. Faith became complicated after you passed, in fact I thought I had none. Eventually I learned it was only being challenged but that road, that confusion, it held onto me for far longer than I’m proud to admit. Grief can be a powerful manipulator if you let it— and sadly, I let it.
Life is so catastrophically different without a mother, especially one who left so soon, so young.
I have a million things I want to say to you, a million questions that remain unasked and stories that you never had the chance to tell, but more than anything, I hope you’re proud of me. That’s the goal and mission I wake up with each and every day– to make you proud. To ensure you’re never forgotten and that people still say your name. To ensure that your legacy and your influence live on through me and everyone who knew you. Some days that responsibility is heavy, some days it’s freeing.
You are the greatest woman I’ve ever known. Every beautiful and meaningful piece of who I am and what I do is because of you. Thank you for being the kind of mother not every daughter is blessed to have.
I love you, Mom— near or far, together or apart, earth or eternity. I love you.
