Holding Grief & Love- Forever

March 1, 2023

I want to scream but my breath and energy have escaped. I cannot believe I am here again, knocked to the floor kneeling from the consequences of grief. I thought I had this all figured out. I thought I knew all of the triggers and the way it seemed unpredictable but also like it formed a pattern I could control. 

I was wrong. 

Grief simply cannot be overpowered or conquered. No matter how many days of strength and resiliency occur, grief finds me. No matter how many days of hope and restored faith, grief paralyzes me with pain. 

And each time the pain is unique in its own way, showing up slightly differently than before, quick and without warning. Grief is transformative like that. It can shape and shift and morph into unrecognizable feelings and realities and reminders. 

And when I think I have the formula figured out, it changes. And when I think I know how to lessen the ache and lighten the sting, it reminds me of its power. 

Sometimes it’s the bathroom floor.

Sometimes it’s the drivers-side seat of my car. 

Sometimes it’s aisle 9 of the grocery store. 

Sometimes it’s the back pew of church. 

Sometimes it’s in the auditorium of my children’s school. 

Sometimes it’s alone, and sometimes it’s surrounded by people. 

But always, so commanding and persuasive.

It always finds me when it wants to.  

Grief is the battle I fight each day. It’s the silent and invisible war that I face in each new experience. It’s the scar that reminds me I witnessed and encountered undeniable love. It’s the wound that never fully heals that reminds me of life’s greatest gift— love. 

And the boldest, most important form of love is grief. Because grief means still loving after loss. It means never forgetting. It means legacies and influence that do not stop with ceased heartbeats and final breaths. It means for love to truly conquer all, it must be felt. 

And this pain and emptiness and inconsolable agony are just as much love as they are grief. Both, together— grief and love. They cannot be separated. 

It’s being overwhelmed by missing pieces and consumed by the holes chiseled in my heart. Breathless. Powerless. Holding grief and love— forever. 

xox, Chels

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A wife, mother and educator who has Indiana roots and a passionate spirit. Chelsea is a sappy romantic, coffee junkie, book collector, and person who wears her heart on her sleeve. She’s sarcastic, full of jokes, full of tears, and enjoys writing most when life gets messy or complicated. In 2017, Chelsea's mother passed away. Through her grief journey, she decided to take her mother’s advice and share her writing with the world. One day she gained the courage to honor her mother's wishes and write. It turned out to be one of the best decisions she's ever made.

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