As a new year has begun and I find myself in the midst of the grief of starting another year without you, I am suddenly reminded that I am in fact not doing this without you. This year I’m blessed with this new perspective and mind shift.
I am not doing this life without you, or this moment without you, or any of the moments that will come. You will be in every single one of them.
I am not doing this life without you, though the raw and initial grief let me believe that to be true. While you are not in this life anymore in the way I wish you were, you are absolutely and boldly still in this life with me.
All of my new hopes and dreams will be filled with your love and your influence. All of the new moments and memories will be filled with your reminiscence and your legacy. All of the glorious moments that are to come, the ones I can’t even dream of yet, you are there, already in them.
I wish I would’ve held this priceless truth before now. I wish I wouldn’t have wasted years in grief paralyzed by pain and distraction. I wish I would’ve remembered that you loved me so beautifully that you would never leave me to continue this life without you, even though it looks and feels extremely different than we planned.
Every piece of who I am has been sprinkled with your light and your love and your presence. Every piece of who I am becoming will be sprinkled with all of those things as well. Everything I become will still be blessed with pieces of you. I am not doing this life without you.
It turns out I am not doing this life without you. I never have been.
I’m not doing motherhood without you. I’m not doing marriage without you. I’m not doing big goals and big dreams without you. I’m not doing the small failures or the new successes without you. I am not doing this life without you.
Love is so boldly and brilliantly powerful. Grief made me momentarily forget those two truths. Love is endless and unwavering. It cannot be erased nor destroyed. Grief led me to forget those things.
I am not doing this life without you. I never have been and I never will be.
Thank you for loving me so significantly that I will never have to do this life without you.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for not making me do this life without you.
I came across this tonight and didn’t know how bad I needed to read this. I lost my sweet Daddy from Covid in November 2020- in ten days my entire life changed. I have read several of your posts and this is such a great reminder they are always with us. Never in the way we imagined, but they are present. Thankful to have read your words. Prayers to You.
I just lost my mom 3 weeks ago. I came across another one of your articles which led me to you. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and grief. I look forward to the day that I feel how you feel in this post.
This is profoundly amazing stuff that you write! Lost in the last goodbye I can relate to every single word that you have written and the part you say pieces of your heart are lifted from your chest and into her Soul as she journeyed to Heaven….wow…just wow! This is exactly how I feel after loosing my amazing and beloved Mum on 06/12/2021 and I know from the words written I like yourself will be lost in the last goodbye in years to come. It is something that will never leave and is so poignant. You are an amazing writer and I am so glad I came across the website.