As a new year has begun and I find myself in the midst of the grief of starting another year without you, I am suddenly reminded that I am in fact not doing this without you. This year I’m blessed with this new perspective and mind shift.
I am not doing this life without you, or this moment without you, or any of the moments that will come. You will be in every single one of them.
I am not doing this life without you, though the raw and initial grief let me believe that to be true. While you are not in this life anymore in the way I wish you were, you are absolutely and boldly still in this life with me.
All of my new hopes and dreams will be filled with your love and your influence. All of the new moments and memories will be filled with your reminiscence and your legacy. All of the glorious moments that are to come, the ones I can’t even dream of yet, you are there, already in them.
I wish I would’ve held this priceless truth before now. I wish I wouldn’t have wasted years in grief paralyzed by pain and distraction. I wish I would’ve remembered that you loved me so beautifully that you would never leave me to continue this life without you, even though it looks and feels extremely different than we planned.
Every piece of who I am has been sprinkled with your light and your love and your presence. Every piece of who I am becoming will be sprinkled with all of those things as well. Everything I become will still be blessed with pieces of you. I am not doing this life without you.
It turns out I am not doing this life without you. I never have been.
I’m not doing motherhood without you. I’m not doing marriage without you. I’m not doing big goals and big dreams without you. I’m not doing the small failures or the new successes without you. I am not doing this life without you.
Love is so boldly and brilliantly powerful. Grief made me momentarily forget those two truths. Love is endless and unwavering. It cannot be erased nor destroyed. Grief led me to forget those things.
I am not doing this life without you. I never have been and I never will be.
Thank you for loving me so significantly that I will never have to do this life without you.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for not making me do this life without you.
A thirty-something wife, mother and educator who has Indiana roots and a passionate spirit. Chelsea is a sappy romantic, coffee junkie, book collector, and person who wears her heart on her sleeve. She’s sarcastic, full of jokes, full of tears, and enjoys writing most when life gets messy or complicated. In 2017, Chelsea's mother passed away. Through her grief journey, she decided to take her mother’s advice and share her writing with the world. One day she gained the courage to honor her mother's wishes and write. It turned out to be one of the best decisions she's ever made.