I Can Only Tell You What It Feels Like

October 19, 2022

I can’t tell you how to fix your grief or how to overcome it but I can tell you what it feels like. 

It feels like the air has escaped your lungs at a pace that you can’t recover from. Like you can’t breathe or move. Like you heart stopped beating when their’s did. Like what you’re experiencing isn’t survivable. 

It feels like fear, anger, regret, heartbreak and love all mixed together. It feels like being knocked to your knees without the willpower or the desire to stand again. Like you’re holding a massive weight that’s smashing you and no one can see. Like you’re immediately different, because you are. 

It feels like someone has stolen pieces of who you are and carved holes in your heart with a jagged knife. It feels like your soul has been scrubbed with sandpaper, over and over again. Like you’re raw and bleeding, but in places that no one can see. Like you’re broken and shattered but also split wide open.

It feels like wanting things you can’t have anymore and imagining a future that will never be. It feels like jealousy and anxiousness. It feels like despair and destruction. Like someone has knocked down everything that kept you safe, and you’re forced to rebuild but minus your foundation.

It feels like you’re burning but there is no water around to save you. Like someone is standing on your chest, stealing your air, but realistically there is no one there. Like you’re drowning and reaching out, but there is no one there to save you. Like your life is forever changed, because it is. 

It feels impossible but also so real you can’t deny it. Like the sun is too bright but the darkness terrifies you. Like you want to run and scream and also hide and disappear. Like you never understood the harshness of goodbye, until now. Like everything before and everything to follow are a dividing line, divided by tears that cannot be stopped and the forever absence you are now left with. 

It feels like pain.

It feels like ache.

It feels like loss. 

It feels so bad that it almost feels good, because it means you’re feeling something, like poking a tender bruise again and again.

It feels like all of these brutal things but only because of beautiful love. 

It’s so delicately conflicted and complicated.

If not for all of the influence and all of the love, it wouldn’t feel like this– so you’re left both grieving and grateful. 

It feels like nothing you’ve ever felt before.

All because of love. 

It hurts so bad, so harshly, so life-altering, because of love. 

A love more powerful than all of the things you feel right this moment. 

It feels like unsurvivable pain because of unforgettable love.

It’s as harsh and as truthful as that. 

xox, Chels

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A wife, mother and educator who has Indiana roots and a passionate spirit. Chelsea is a sappy romantic, coffee junkie, book collector, and person who wears her heart on her sleeve. She’s sarcastic, full of jokes, full of tears, and enjoys writing most when life gets messy or complicated. In 2017, Chelsea's mother passed away. Through her grief journey, she decided to take her mother’s advice and share her writing with the world. One day she gained the courage to honor her mother's wishes and write. It turned out to be one of the best decisions she's ever made.

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