Lost in the Last Goodbye

February 26, 2020

Sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe. I have to take myself out of that moment. The one two years ago when I lost my mother. The moment we said our last and final goodbye. 

Sometimes, I find myself lost in that last goodbye. 

Sometimes that fateful moment slips into my head and heart and it aches just as intensely as the moment I was actually in it. The moment when I knew it was over. The moment that no longer held realistic hope. The moment I knew I was saying my forever goodbye. The moment my mother was creating her forever absence. 

If you’ve ever said a final goodbye, you understand the way it stays with you. The way the ache, the breathlessness, and the denial stay with you, always. Like the scene of a movie that’s been etched into your memory. Only this scene is yours, and it’s real, and it stings. 

I remember the feeling as pieces of my heart lifted from my chest and into her soul as she journeyed to heaven. Pieces of me that disappeared with her. I remember her closed eyes. Her body and breathing becoming more still as each second passed. I remember the exact moment where the breathing was no more. I remember it all. 

Sometimes, no matter how busy life gets, I find myself lost in that last goodbye. Longing for it to be a mistake, a dream, a reality that isn’t mine. That last goodbye is both a blessing and a burden. It’s a moment that I’m appreciative for, but also haunted by. It was more than the last goodbye. It was the last everything. The last hug, the last kiss, the last words spoken. The last opportunity to love her. Her last opportunity to live. 

The final goodbye is the one that sticks to your heart like glue. The one that can’t be erased from your memory or your future. Time hasn’t healed my grief. It’s simply changed my perspective of loss. The pain is still there. The hurt, the fear, and the worry remain.

And no matter how much time passes, I still find myself lost in that last and final goodbye. 

xox, Chels

I miss her fiercely every single day.
3 comments so far.

3 responses to “Lost in the Last Goodbye”

  1. April W says:

    I get this 100%. Today was one of the days where I got lost on my mom’s last day. She will be gone 2 years on Friday and this week just is terrible. Thank you for your beautiful words, they mean so much.

    • chelseaohlemiller says:

      Thank you so much for reading my work and taking the time to share a piece of your heart and story. It’s the very reason I created this page. Saying an extra prayer of comfort for you this morning. xox, Chels

  2. Carolyn Joy says:

    This is me! Every single word is me. My mom went to heaven six years ago yesterday. And just like every April 29th, I found myself lost in that last and final goodbye! It is so hard still, just something you don’t get over. Thank you so much for sharing this, it’s like you took every feeling in me and put it into words. Hugs!!

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Chelsea Ohlemiller

Chelsea Ohlemiller

A thirty-something wife, mother and educator who has Indiana roots and a passionate spirit. Chelsea is a sappy romantic, coffee junkie, book collector, and person who wears her heart on her sleeve. She’s sarcastic, full of jokes, full of tears, and enjoys writing most when life gets messy or complicated. In 2017, Chelsea's mother passed away. Through her grief journey, she decided to take her mother’s advice and share her writing with the world. One day she gained the courage to honor her mother's wishes and write. It turned out to be one of the best decisions she's ever made.

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