I married a man that needed more than I had to offer. A man who needed saved from the demons that wrecked his heart and mind. My younger self ignored the red flags, the gut instincts, and the years of turbulence. I accepted a jaded proposal and ventured into a life that eventually morphed into something similar to a Netflix documentary.
I was invested. I was stuck. I had years in this mission. I had blood, sweat, and tears in this commitment. I couldn’t vacate now. I was too old to start over and too tired to try. I was stuck in heartbreak and in turmoil. Stuck in an unhealthy relationship. A relationship that challenged my beliefs and made me feel unworthy of anything but the destruction that surrounded me.
I married a man. I divorced an addict. The two are the same, yet drastically different. Odd, isn’t it?
In all honesty, our relationship was never spectacular. It was good, at best. But sometimes, “good” is better than alone. Especially true when you’re young, naive, and a believer in miracles.
After years of chaos, I knew what had to be done. I needed to leave. I needed to save myself. Sadly, at the time, I didn’t house the bravery, strength, or grit to follow-through.
I listened to lies. I listened to manipulation. Sometimes, I even believed them.
I look back and wonder who that girl was. How did I become such a manipulated mess? How did I become a believer of lies? A woman who put up with such destruction? I’m not sure how or why I let someone else determine my worth and my future, but back then I did.
One day it changed. I woke up and realized my life was meant for so much more. I had more to offer the world, my children, and myself. I had to find myself again and start trusting my intuition. Finding myself meant leaving behind a life and man that were never truly worthy of my time, heart, or commitment. Harsh, yet completely accurate.
Finding courage and strength wasn’t easy, but once I found it, things started to transform. It was as if the brokenness wasn’t an imperfection, but the very thing that would help me rise and overcome. It was as if I was intentionally and intricately broken to allow the opportunity to pick up the pieces and create the truest and most powerful version of myself.
I needed to rebuild and restructure to create a woman that would stop settling. A woman that would start seeking everything I wanted in life. Every dream. Every goal. Every opportunity.
It wasn’t easy. There were years of hell and pain. There were moments of lost hope and lost faith. But without those years of total chaos, heartbreak, and mass destruction, I would have never found the power or appreciation of taking charge of my life. I would have never found my voice. I would have never found happiness.
I married a man. I divorced an addict. Through it all, I became the woman I’m most proud of.
I didn’t find myself. I recreated myself. Bigger, better, and more determined than ever.
And you can too.
