Mother, Can You See It?

I sit here rocking this tiny human that I’ve created. A beautiful baby with fluttery eyelashes and a body that blends with mine so effortlessly. A little blessing we’ve been praying for, one impatiently awaited for oh so long. 

Mother, can you see it?

I watch as my sweet girl walks down the stairs, dressed and ready for her upcoming recital, looking more grown up than I’ve ever noticed. She’s grown to hold confidence and poise, and has lost the final remnants of the little kid that she had left inside her. 

Mother, can you see it? 

I watch as my gutsy boy scores another bold and sweaty touchdown, while the crowd chants his name. I’m wearing a shirt decorated with his number and a pin showcasing his handsome face, so proud to be his mother. He’s growing up so quickly, I barely recognize him. 

Mother, can you see it? 

I soak up the laughs that echo in my living room. I wipe the tears that sometimes fill each one of their eyes. I embrace and celebrate the success that each one experiences, so enamored by the priceless nature of motherhood. 

Mother, can you see it? 

Can you see her and him and us?

Can you see all of this from where you are? 

You’re gone, yet somehow I’m constantly overwhelmed with your presence and memory. Most people say you’re in heaven, but to me it feels more powerful than that. Like you’re here and there, two places at once. One so far away it breaks my heart and the other so close it’s as if I can feel your spirit and your guidance. It’s a constant conflict of emotions, destinations and futures. It’s the reality of having a mother who resides in heaven, a mother who left too soon.

Can you see the messy journey of motherhood I’ve embarked on since you left this world? Can you see the little pieces of your legacy you would have called grandchildren? Can you see both the beauty of this life and also the devastation? 

Life without a mother for me and life without a grandmother for them is a life unlike others. It’s void of the leader who started it all. It’s void of the guide to the map and path we were originally given. We had to start over and create something new while delicately holding on to the pieces of the past and the legacy you bestowed upon us.

Mother, can you see it? 

All of it? Both the burdens and the blessings? 

Mother, can you feel it? 

Both the love that remains and the love we wish we could give you. 

Mother, are you there? Are you here? Are you both? 

Life is difficult without you but also sprinkled with all the blessings of motherhood, family and beautiful living.

Mother, can you see it? Can you see us?

Mother?

xox, Chels