The Me I Used to Be–When You Were Still Here

I miss the me I was when you were here and I wonder what you’d think of the woman I’ve become. I miss the carefree pieces of life back when I didn’t know loss and certainly never had to comprehend loss. I miss feeling whole and the way life felt before grief and fear. I miss being able to call you and hug you and enjoy life together. 

I miss the version of me I was when you were here. Back when you were here I knew less stress, less sorrow and less longing. Back when you were here I knew less anxiousness, less sadness and less destruction. Back then I knew the fragility of life but I’d never actually seen the fragility of life. Back then I knew the fleeting aspects of time but I never watched as time ran out on someone I loved. Back then I was different and things were different. 

I miss the version of me that had you here. I miss so much from the past but mostly just the simple way it held you in it. The way you loved me. The way you showed up for me. The way you seemed to live your life especially for me while also for everyone else you loved. The way you lived with all the things I try to live with now: hope, light, love, compassion and grace. Things that have been hard to hold while also holding immense grief. 

For so long grief illuminated only darkness on the evolution of who I’d become after losing you. I allowed it in, some days I even embraced it. I let it cover me and then quickly the darkness covered everything. It’s easier to melt away in the dark. It’s easier to cry and scream and stay angry in the dark. In the dark it’s impossible to see and I refused to see a future that didn’t include you, so I stayed there, missing the way things were and unable to go back.

I miss the me I was when you were here but I’ve decided that if I have to change and transform into something new it will be someone you’d be proud of. Someone you’d love and admire. Someone that would make you smile. I can’t be those things in the darkness. I can’t be those things while hiding away, ignoring this new life before me. I can’t honor your memory and celebrate your legacy if I’m stuck and sinking. So as hard as it is, I’m taking control of grief’s makeover and I’m starting today.

I miss the me I was when you were here but the new woman I’ve become is waking up each day with you in my heart and your legacy on my mind. This new woman has a fierce goal, the goal of making you smile each and every time you catch a glimpse of this new me. 

I’m learning to love this new version of me and I hope you already do. I hope I’m the only one missing the me I used to be.

xox, Chels