Today, I Didn’t Search for You

September 12, 2019

Today, I find myself not needing to search for you.

Today, it’s as if you didn’t leave this earth. I can see your smile as if I just saw it yesterday. I can feel your touch and your warm hugs. I can vividly see you standing there as if you actually are, but you’re not. 

How can you be gone when today your presence feels so overwhelming, so real, so comforting?

There are days where your absence knocks the wind out of me like a sucker punch to the soul. Not today. Today, it’s as if the sweet smell of you is lingering in the air I breathe. It’s as if you’ve got your arms wrapped tightly around me, comforting me in ways only a mother can. It’s as if you are whispering my name and holding my hand, just like you used to. 

Today I wonder where you are because it feels like you are both here and there. It’s as if you have beautifully woven yourself into our lives and also taken your seat in heaven. Realistically, I can’t see you, I can’t hear you, I can’t touch you. But today, I feel your presence stronger than ever. 

Maybe today is an answered prayer. Maybe it’s an unrealistic longing that has my heart feeling things that it desperately dreams of each day. Maybe it’s you, showing up just as you promised.  

I look around and you’re not here physically, but this is much more than that. You are here. In spirit. In soul. In love. You’re here and I know it. 

Today, I see you everywhere. It’s the first day I haven’t had to search for you in the clouds, or the sunsets, or the twinkling of the stars. Today there was no need to search because before I could feel the hole of your absence, I felt the comfort of your spirit and love. 

Today, for the first time since you left us, you felt more alive than gone. You felt more here than there. Today was a blessing. One that I hope carries into tomorrow and all the tomorrows after that.

xox, Chels

5 comments so far.

5 responses to “Today, I Didn’t Search for You”

  1. Donna Neiss says:

    I really like your style of writing. It’s personal. My Mom is 85 and still healthy but I have to admit to myself that I’ll only have her 15 years more, max. We live next door to each other now since my divorce 10yrs ago. She saved my sanity when the world crashed around me. I’d lost my dear friend to cancer, ruptured a disc in my back and my marriage was over. All in a week. I moved in with her and stayed two months. We got along splendidly. She encouraged me like only a mother can do. There was no time limit placed on my healing.

    • chelseaohlemiller says:

      Thank you so much for reading my work and taking the time to comment! I hope you’ll keep coming back for comfort and inspiration! I’m sending you positive thoughts for your healing! <3 Thanks for being here.

  2. Teresa says:

    Can relate lost my dear dad after a fall I thought he would survive
    5 weeks after gone I stayed with him 28 hours
    I lived for him he needed me I needed him especially after mum died Sundenly thru a horrific fall but died 24 hours later
    This was just 3 weeks ago I’m lost I can’t even cry properly crying would make it real can’t believe I won’t see him for a very long time 💔

    • chelseaohlemiller says:

      Teresa, I am lifting you in comfort, hope and love. I pray you find encouragement on my page. You are not alone. xox, Chels

  3. Karen Thompson says:

    I love your writing & how you write from your soul. l have lost both parents-my dear Dad in 1999; my Mom passed in 2005.
    My Mom was my best friend. We lived together & I cared for her the last five years of her life. I have experienced strong after-death communications from both parents
    There is a lot written on this subject. I just had a clear communication from my Mom Saturday evening. I lost a beloved dog last Wednesday and I am bereft. My Mom clearly touched my hand and I felt an immediate sense of her presence & her comforting me. It was real & I felt so blessed by it. The phenomenon you describe is very real if we are open to the possibility. Sometimes the Spirit is loud; sometimes it whispers.
    May God continue to bless & comfort you.

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A wife, mother and educator who has Indiana roots and a passionate spirit. Chelsea is a sappy romantic, coffee junkie, book collector, and person who wears her heart on her sleeve. She’s sarcastic, full of jokes, full of tears, and enjoys writing most when life gets messy or complicated. In 2017, Chelsea's mother passed away. Through her grief journey, she decided to take her mother’s advice and share her writing with the world. One day she gained the courage to honor her mother's wishes and write. It turned out to be one of the best decisions she's ever made.

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