My faith was lost for a while after my mother passed. When it came back, it was fleeting and inconsistent. There were times when I thought prayers must not work and that God wasn’t real. I’m not proud to admit that. In fact, it feels shameful, certainly something my mom wouldn’t be proud of. But, it’s real. It’s the truth of my grief and a consequence of losing the greatest woman I’ve ever known.
Eventually, with time, my faith came back. I realized it probably never left completely, it just tucked itself into the crevices, waiting for its moment to shine again. Waiting for a moment that would prove it’s worth and its power– one I couldn’t ignore.
And it did come back. And boy, did it shine.
But, shiny things can fade with time and faith can be fickle to some hearts– mine being one of them.
Since finding my place back as a believer, I still have moments of weakness and moments of thoughts that wreck havoc on the faith my mother helped me build. But, each time doubt or denial creep in, God shows up in my life in undeniable ways, ways that take my breath away and leave me in joyous tears.
Yesterday was one of those days.
I had been in a funk for a few weeks– lots of change, bouts of sickness, and sporadic moments of griefy thoughts. Those things combined usually make me wishy-washy on things I’m usually solid on, answered prayers being one of them. I’ve been praying and praying for lots of people over the years, losing some along the way. I’ve been sending up prayers and wondering if they’ve been heard or if they’re stuck in some kind of list, not making their way to the top yet.
And yesterday, as I scrolled through my social media feed, two profound and remarkable lives were impacted by prayer. Two completely separate families, that I love and have been praying for, got news that is life-changing in priceless ways. Things doctors can’t explain and a remission-status that could have only been given by a higher-power, something stronger than medicine and chemotherapy. Scans and plans impacted by prayers, just as much, if not more than traditional treatment.
Yesterday I saw God. He showed up right there on my Facebook feed. And I wept. In fact, I’m crying again now just reflecting on it all.
Yesterday, I saw proof of answered prayers. Indisputable evidence of God’s goodness. I saw two families rejoicing in things they’d never think they’d be celebrating.
And it renewed my faith. It sparked my hope and my belief. It gave me a joy that nothing else on earth can provide. Everytime doubt creeps in, or my faith feels fragile, He shows up and reminds me of everything my mother taught me, of everything she had me listen to each Sunday morning in the pews of her favorite church.
And it’s as if I can hear my mother whisper, “I told you prayers get answered, honey. Keep praying and keep leaning on your faith. And until then, we’ll keep sending you reminders of their work.”
Yesterday God showed up on my social media feed. I saw proof of answered prayers. It was beautiful and it renewed my hope.
I can’t wait to see how He shows up for you, friends. Because I know he will. Just ask.
I too lost my mom when I was 19 yrs old-suddenly. She was the kindest and most loving person I knew. I prayed that she would get better and recover….she died the next day. And there we were…. My dad took it hard and our grieving was put aside to help him. I blamed god and did not forgive him for taking my mom…. Too this day I cannot pray, because if I do, I’m afraid the outcome will be bad. I believe, just can’t pray-he doesn’t listen or care about me. I am 59 years old and have never been able to get over this. So when I read your story, it struck a nerve. I will be a first time grandma in January and I am afraid to pray that everything goes well with my daughter’s pregnancy and baby will be healthy….my mom had strong faith- I wish I could get that faith back myself…