I Never Told Her

October 12, 2022

When we were sitting in those doctor’s offices getting harsh and irreparable news, I never told her how scared I was. I never told her how desperately I wanted to demand a second opinion or how fiercely I wanted to leave. I never told her how much fear and anxiety filled my mind and my heart. 

I never told her because I knew she felt it too. 

I never told her because I knew that while this was her body and her diagnosis, it wasn’t just hers to comprehend and live with. I never told her because while she looked like strength and resilience, I knew deep inside she was probably just as fragile as I was. I never told her because saying it aloud would make it more real and more concrete. 

I never told her my fears, my worries or my disbelief.

I never told her my anger, my frustration or my emptiness.

I never told her how hopeless I felt or how overwhelmed I was.

I never told her that I couldn’t lose her or that she couldn’t die.

I never told her because I knew she felt it too. 

I never told her that each time she’d go into remission or get the all-clear from her doctors that I was scared to let my guard down and terrified of what might come. I never told her that each time she went in for routine visits or scheduled appointments that I prayed my phone wouldn’t ring with news or unplanned findings. I never told her that when she’d show up unexpectedly it would make me think she was there to deliver devastating changes. 

I never told her because deep down, I knew she felt it too. 

I never told her my newfound jealousy for those with healthy and cancer-free parents. I never told her how it felt like I was walking around with an unbearable weight, each and every day. I never told her that I wanted to soak up each day while also trying to hide from it too. 

I never told her the scary things, the fearful things, or the unpredictable things. I never told her because deep down I knew she felt it too. 

Instead, I told her she was strong and brave and incredible. I told her she was loved and supported by so many people who would do anything for her. I told her that we’d pray for a miracle and search for a cure. 

And then eventually…

I told her a million “You mean the world to me’s” and a trillion “I love you’s”. I told her how beautiful she was and how every great thing about me was there because of her. I told her how badly I wished things were different and that somehow I’d be ok, just like she wanted. I told her how blessed my life was because of her love and her influence. I told her that she would never be forgotten. I told her she was irreplaceable. 

I may have never told her how scared I was but I always told her how much she was loved.

Always.

Still.

Forever.

Loved.

xox, Chels

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Chelsea

Chelsea

A wife, mother and educator who has Indiana roots and a passionate spirit. Chelsea is a sappy romantic, coffee junkie, book collector, and person who wears her heart on her sleeve. She’s sarcastic, full of jokes, full of tears, and enjoys writing most when life gets messy or complicated. In 2017, Chelsea's mother passed away. Through her grief journey, she decided to take her mother’s advice and share her writing with the world. One day she gained the courage to honor her mother's wishes and write. It turned out to be one of the best decisions she's ever made.

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