For You to Understand…

October 10, 2022

For you to understand where I am right now, you’d have to have lived it. You would’ve had to experience this type of loss, grief and heartbreak. The only way for you to truly understand where I am in this new reality is for you to get here.

And I don’t want you here. 

I don’t want you to know this type of catastrophe. I don’t want you to know this type of complete life rebuild and restructure. I don’t want you to know how it feels to bury pieces of your heart with the very one who left this earth. I don’t want you to know this.

I don’t want you here, companions with grief.

I don’t want you to know what it feels like to sit beside someone who is taking their last breath. I don’t want you to know what it feels like to see an empty space everywhere you go. I don’t want you to know how delicate and fragile life is when you’ve lost someone irreplaceable. 

I don’t want you to understand because that would mean you’ve lived it too.

I don’t want you to know how quickly I’ve run out of pictures that I haven’t seen before or how devastating it is to know there will never be another picture taken. I don’t want you to know how it feels to pick up the phone and dial a number, only to realize that habit and tradition can wreck havoc on a heart that doesn’t want to comprehend a life no longer here. 

I don’t want you to understand because that would mean you’ve lived it too.

I don’t want you to know how it feels to live with ‘what if’s’, ‘never again’s’ or ‘wish I would have’s’. I don’t want you to know how it feels to live with holes that nothing and no one can fill. I don’t want you to know what it feels like to visit a stone while trying not to allow your heart to become one. 

I don’t want you to know this pain.

I don’t want you to understand this grief.

Understanding this means living this.

And I don’t want that for you.

I don’t want that for anyone. 

Though death is unavoidable and grief is life’s most universally shared experience, I wish it wasn’t. 

When you feel sorry for not understanding, know that I don’t want you to. 

For you to understand where I am right now, you’d have to have lived it. You would’ve had to experience this type of loss and heartbreak. The only way for you to truly understand where I am in this new reality is for you to get here.

And I don’t want you here.

xox, Chels

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Chelsea

Chelsea

A wife, mother and educator who has Indiana roots and a passionate spirit. Chelsea is a sappy romantic, coffee junkie, book collector, and person who wears her heart on her sleeve. She’s sarcastic, full of jokes, full of tears, and enjoys writing most when life gets messy or complicated. In 2017, Chelsea's mother passed away. Through her grief journey, she decided to take her mother’s advice and share her writing with the world. One day she gained the courage to honor her mother's wishes and write. It turned out to be one of the best decisions she's ever made.

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