Pregnant & Needing Her

February 5, 2020

You’re going to need her, and she’s gone. Who am I kidding, you already need her, each and every day. But this pregnancy and this beautiful blessing make you miss her and need her more than you have before. I can see it and feel it. 

You’re going to need her, and she’ll be there. It will just be different than you envisioned. You won’t see her standing there in that delivery room, for her presence can only be felt nowadays. But trust me when I say, she will be there. 

You’re going to need her, and you’ll ache for her in new ways now that you bloom into motherhood. You’ll understand her love more definitively than ever before. You will understand her fears, her frustrations, and her unwavering devotion. You will understand all of the things that made her the most incredible mother of all. 

And when that baby comes, you’ll become just like her. Even more than you are now, which is hard to comprehend. You’ll gain the pieces of motherhood that you learned from her, growing up in her care and influence.

You’ll need her, and you’ll be heartbroken that she isn’t physically here, but you’ll realize there are pieces of her scattered everywhere. Pieces that will guide you, inspire you, and shape you into the mother you’re already becoming. A mother she’d be so proud of. A mother she is proud of. 

You’re going to need her, just like I do. But there is beauty in what she left behind. You and I, sisters. Pieces of her. Duplicates of her heart and her soul. She prepared us for this moment by creating a bond welded by her love, her influence, and her life. 

I am here, baby sis. To help you, to guide you, to support you, and to remind you that although you will be reaching a new milestone without mom, she’s already met your sweet boy and had a part of his existence. She’ll be guiding him and watching over him until the moment you she passes him off to you. And the second you set eyes on your precious boy, you’ll feel her presence, and you’ll suddenly understand the capacity of a mother’s heart. 

Motherhood will show you the depths of her legacy and the depths of her devotion. And most importantly, how none of it can be erased by absence. 

I know you need her, that will never change. But sis, she’s working through me. Giving me insight and words to pave this journey. The journey where you become a mother, I become an aunt…and up in heaven, mom becomes a grandmother again. 

xox, Chels

A onesie with my mother’s handwriting. “Love ya tons. xox”
3 comments so far.

3 responses to “Pregnant & Needing Her”

  1. Alicia says:

    My mother died in 2017 of metatastic breast cancer. Her first grandchild, my 21 year old daughter, is having her first baby in a couple of weeks. Oh, how I wish Momma could be here to hold her great-grandson. She would have been an amazing great- grandma. I don’t really have anyone who I talk to about the pain of not having her here to talk to about my worries as a first time grandma, to see him be born, and to watch him grow. Your words are a blessing, and I’m more than grateful. Your mom must be incredibly proud to see her daughter helping so many women dealing with the grief that comes from losing our precious Mommas. Thank you💛

    • chelseaohlemiller says:

      Alicia, I read this through tears. Thank you for your kind words. They mean so so so much to me. I’m so honored to have you here reading my work, though I hate it’s because we share this same heartbreak. I pray you’ll continue to find encouragement and hope on my page. xox, Chels

  2. G says:

    I just lost my incredible mum & best friend suddenly 3 months ago at 66. I don’t have children yet, and the thought that my mum won’t physically be here if I do is enough to bring me to my knees. It hurts so much to the point I don’t even know if I want kids now. It’s truly a pain like no other.
    I enjoy reading your posts Chelsea, this one really struck a chord with me x

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A wife, mother and educator who has Indiana roots and a passionate spirit. Chelsea is a sappy romantic, coffee junkie, book collector, and person who wears her heart on her sleeve. She’s sarcastic, full of jokes, full of tears, and enjoys writing most when life gets messy or complicated. In 2017, Chelsea's mother passed away. Through her grief journey, she decided to take her mother’s advice and share her writing with the world. One day she gained the courage to honor her mother's wishes and write. It turned out to be one of the best decisions she's ever made.

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