Forgiving God

February 4, 2020

Dear God, 

I forgive you. 

I forgive you for taking my mother before I was ready. I forgive you for allowing cancer to steal her health, her days, and her moments with us. 

I forgive you for all of it. I know your plan is bigger than I can see. Your truth and your light are things she was faithful and hopeful about her entire life. So I’ll find peace in her faith and her belief in you. 

I forgive you because holding on to anger and fury are catastrophic to healthy and joyful living. My mother taught forgiveness, and so I will use it to heal, and to continue moving forward. 

For a long time I held you in contempt. I held you solely accountable for my world falling apart. I turned away from you because I couldn’t face the future you had left me with. A future without my mother. I let my heart become filled with so much sadness, that it morphed into hate and disgust. For you, for church, for hope and faith. For all of it. For everything.

Eventually, I faced the reality in front of me and the new life I was assigned. I learned the only way to heal was to face the sadness, the anger, and the hate straight on. I couldn’t do it alone, so I found you. Again. 

Just like any relationship, it took time. I yelled at you. I screamed, and I cried. Eventually, and most importantly, I prayed. I broke down through tears and I prayed.

I started praying again. I started seeing you as the blessing I’d grown up to know. Slowly, I started trusting you again. Slowly, I started needing you, just as I had before. 

Forgiving you was the best gift I’ve given myself. It allowed me to find hope again. It slowly reminded me of your power and promises. Forgiving you led me to the light, and the way, and the promises my mother lived by. 

I realized I couldn’t do life without her, which means I couldn’t do it without you. 

I had to forgive you so I could find you again. I had to forgive you to allow your influence to open my heart and my soul, as it did once before. 

Forgiving you helped me find you again. It helped me heal. It released me in graceful ways. 

Thank you for being patient with my journey. Thank you for welcoming me back. Thank you for surrounding me with the love, faith, and hope that my mother sprinkled into my life so flawlessly. 

I forgive you, and I’m forever grateful that you forgave me too. 

xox, Chels

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A wife, mother and educator who has Indiana roots and a passionate spirit. Chelsea is a sappy romantic, coffee junkie, book collector, and person who wears her heart on her sleeve. She’s sarcastic, full of jokes, full of tears, and enjoys writing most when life gets messy or complicated. In 2017, Chelsea's mother passed away. Through her grief journey, she decided to take her mother’s advice and share her writing with the world. One day she gained the courage to honor her mother's wishes and write. It turned out to be one of the best decisions she's ever made.

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