Since You’ve Been Gone…

September 2, 2022

Since you’ve been gone, things look so much different. Truth is, they feel different too. At first it was like the sun refused to shine, like darkness followed me every place I went. With time, the light of your love and legacy lit the way to beautiful things, meaningful things. I never thought I’d be able to say that, though I bet you knew I would. 

Since you’ve been gone, I breathe differently. Some days slow and steady, others like I’m breathing through a straw. On the good days, I breathe lighter knowing you’re still here, simply in a capacity that I cannot see nor understand. 

Since you’ve been gone, I think differently. I fear things that I’ve never feared before. I have worries that are powerful and mighty. I have anxiousness about the health and well-being of everyone around me in ways that I never did before. But also, I think with more meaning and more purpose now. I’ve found an undeniable gratitude for what remains. 

Since you’ve been gone, I hold faith differently. At first I held no faith at all, it was hard to believe in anything good that could steal you from us and from the life you deserved to live. With time, the more I believed you entered a better place, I realized that meant having faith in something, even if I didn’t know what it was. Today, I hold a faith that undoubtedly says I will see you again.

Since you’ve been gone, I love differently. I love big and bold. I love deliberately. I love even though I know that love also eventually comes with the consequence of grief. I love with my whole heart each and every day leaving no sentiment of that love unspoken, knowing that it still will never be enough. 

Since you’ve been gone, I live differently. At first it was merely survival, not living. Now, I don’t waste time with those I love, knowing each day time is slipping through our fingers at a pace we cannot slow down. I step into each day with gratitude and joy, sprinkled with the pain of your absence, which is only lessened by the legacy in which I hold, your legacy. 

Since you’ve been gone, I’m different, really everything is. Some things are different in painfully obvious ways that consistently feel like a hole or a huge void. Other things are different in delicate and joyful ways. I never knew that losing someone so critical to your existence could teach you powerful lessons on life and love. I never knew grief’s pain could inspire things in our life, but somehow it has. I think more than anything it showed us the power of having someone as great as you in our lives. It showed us how lucky we are to have had you at all. 

Since you’ve been gone, I haven’t stopped loving you and I never will. I’ve tried to make you proud. I find myself stepping forward while constantly looking back, searching for you. I probably always will.

Since you’ve been gone, I’ve been grateful for the future while aching for the past, the place that still holds you so delicately. 

Since you’ve been gone, you’ve been missed with each new day and you will be forever. 

Since you’ve been gone…

xox, Chels

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One response to “Since You’ve Been Gone…”

  1. Kendra says:

    I got engaged on 12/31/20 to my now husband. My mom was so ecstatic for me. I couldn’t wait to go show her my ring. She hugged me so tightly and told me how much she loved me and how proud she was for me. She posted my announcement a few hours later on Facebook. It was the most exciting time of my life. But I didn’t know that would be the last Facebook post she made, or the last time I ever saw my mom alive. She died 4 days later very unexpectedly. I got married 6 months later and pregnant 3 months after that. I now have a beautiful baby girl. And with every happy moment in my life that has happened since losing her there is a huge kick in the gut knowing I cannot share that moment with my mom. I wasn’t supposed to get married without her and I was never supposed to have a baby without her. All blessings are still hard when you don’t have your number one cheerleader by your side, and the one you can depend on to help you with everything without having to ask. I try so hard to make her proud and know that she is still cheering me on from heaven. I have became a different person, one that would give anything to have her mother back.

    All of your posts are spot on and make me feel like I am not alone. I appreciate that.

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Chelsea Ohlemiller

Chelsea Ohlemiller

A thirty-something wife, mother and educator who has Indiana roots and a passionate spirit. Chelsea is a sappy romantic, coffee junkie, book collector, and person who wears her heart on her sleeve. She’s sarcastic, full of jokes, full of tears, and enjoys writing most when life gets messy or complicated. In 2017, Chelsea's mother passed away. Through her grief journey, she decided to take her mother’s advice and share her writing with the world. One day she gained the courage to honor her mother's wishes and write. It turned out to be one of the best decisions she's ever made.

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